


Early hours

by CatelynJones



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 22:28:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14435460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatelynJones/pseuds/CatelynJones
Summary: Alec wakes in the small hours of the morning and the panic and self loathing he holds at bay with work and keeping busy comes crashing down around d his ears.Post S03.E05, but with minimal spoilers





	Early hours

**Author's Note:**

> Here is a vent fic I wrote in the small hours of MY morning. I wrote it in my phone and I'm not wearing my glasses so I'm only like, 50?% sure of any of the words.
> 
> Mind the tags and all that, but you probably found this fic bc you were looking for it, so not that useful to say this fic contains self harm and descriptions of self harm.
> 
> I write bc it's less damaging than cutting, and I read self harm fics for the same reason. Just... Look after yourselves yeah?
> 
> And I swear I will edit this later today. On my laptop. While wearing my glasses.

It was 4am when Alec opened his eyes and rolled over. Suddenly awake, for no discernible reason. He lay in bed next to Magnus, and quietly started at the ceiling. Magnus was spread out across the kind sized bed, a total picture of comfort and Alec felt a bubble of jealous rise up. He always seemed to sleep through the night, while more often than not, Alec was left laying in the dark, waiting for the night to end.

 

He rolled over and check his phone for notifications. Nothing. No drunken texts from Jace, no demon attack emergencies and no alarms from the Clave.

 

Alec rolled into his back and sighed. He scrubbed a hand over his face and gently, so as not to wake his boyfriend, pulled himself upright. As he settled against the headboard of Magnus’ king-sized bed, Alec became aware of an itch at the back of his mind. Frowning, he felt around his feelings and slowly came to recognise the familiar pull.

 

The melancholy that had plauge Alec his entire life never entirely receded, but it was often drowned out by the duties and responsibilities of life as a Shadowhunter. After taking command of the Institute his workload had more than doubled and it felt as though there was not time at all for any feeling or reflection. In the lonely and dark hours of the morning, it more than got it's revenge.

 

Alec knew he should wake Magnus. Take comfort from the one he loves, but he couldn't bring himself to wake the sleeping warlock. The past weeks had been hell in his boyfriend and Magnus deserved every single second of rest he could get.

 

Besides, it's not like Magnus really wanted to be woken when these feelings hit. Alec doubted that he really cared at all. When you are immortal, what is a few moments of unfathomable despair..?

 

Alec shook his head.

 

No.

 

He knew that wasn't true.

 

Magnus loved him, this was the dark and poisoned corner of his mind speaking.

 

_ But if he loves you, why doesn't he want you to move in…? _

 

Alec buried his head in his hands for a minute before quickly getting out of bed and making a beeline for the bathroom.

 

No.  _ No. _ He would not let these thoughts pull him down. They weren't true, they weren't really his thoughts.

 

Alec closed the door and flicked the light in, bathing the room in a familiar and comfortable golden glow. Alec locked eyes with his reflection and took in his haggard appearance. His face was grey, even in Magnus’ rediculously flattering bathroom lights, and there were dark circles under his eyes.  _ No wonder Magnus doesn't want you to live here. You look like shit _ .

 

Alec rolled his eyes a little at his internal negative monologue, but it was right though. Magnus was… well,  _ Magnus _ . The centuries old, captivating and talented warlock. What had Alec ever done to live up to that? How did he even  _ think _ that he deserved a slice of his time? It was foolish and pretentious of him to even  _ pretend _ to be operating in the same league. Alec was honestly lucky that Magnus and his friends didn't laugh him out of the building for even trying.

 

The thoughts and accusations s swirled around Alec's mind, whipping themselves into a maelstrom of heartache. Alec backed up from the vanity and found himself sliding down the wall until he sat, head in hands and elbows in knees. He felt as if there was a boulder on his chest and it was trying to pull him down, under the surface, trying to drown him.

 

Suddenly, there wasn't enough air in the room and Alec was quietly gasping. He tore at his arms, scratching and biting, as if there was something there that could be released, allowing him to make his way back to the surface. The feeling of panic intensified until he knew what was missing.

 

The knowledge and net immediate decision brought about a blanket of numb calm. Alec opened the cupboard under the vanity and pulled the knife off the shelf.

 

The knife was small, a throwing knife, but it's edge was scalpel sharp. Magnus thought Alec kept it there for defence, another sign of Shadowhunter paranoia. He had no idea if it's true use.

 

Taking a deep breath, Alec pressed the edge of the blade to his thigh and tugged.

 

It hurt. Every time, it hurt. But he was rewarded when the skin split and the blood welled up.

 

Alec never cut deeply, only enough to watch the top layer of skin seperate. Injuries were easily healed, but shallow cuts could be left to heal naturally and that was far more satisfying than watching the skin smooth out and return to its unblemished state.

 

He made line after line, until the bubbles of blood began to join together and run down his thigh. Alec sat the knife down and rested his head against the wall. He could finally  _ breathe _ . His limbs tingled and the pull of anxiety and depression had settled into a bone deep weariness and urge to cry.

 

Alec didn't know how long he sat on the magically warmed tiles of the bathroom, eyes closed and relishing on the movement of air through his lungs. The small trickles of blood dried and the guys began to throb when Alec finally registered movement from within the bedroom.

 

Tears were slipping from beneath his lashes and yet Alec couldn't find it in himself to move or hide. There were no excuses that could cover this if Magnus were to walk in, so why even bother. Bare seconds later, the door to the bathroom was slowly opened and a soft “Oh,  _ darling” _ , floated past Alec's ears.

 

A gentle hand was cupping his face and Alec instinctively leant into the warmth and comfort he and been offered.

 

Magnus was crouched down I front of his partner as he took in the scene. Realising Alec wasn't im the place to have a discussion, the warlock quicky tended to yhe shallow wounds before scooping his boyfriend into his arms and carrying him back to bed.

 

Alec tucked into Magnus’chest and the tears that had refused to stay buried continued to overflow. Magnus settled them both into bed and carded his fingers through Alec's hair. Thoughts of blame and self deprecation began to rise and Magnus shoved them down  aggressively. There would be time for discussion and review later, but for now, his job was to comfort and support the man in his arms, not to tear  _ himself _ apart.

 

There would be no easy fixes for this, but for now, the physical comfort of being wrapped tightly in Magnus’ arms was enough. For both of them.

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to start a Patreon! You can find it [here](https://www.patreon.com/user/catelynjones). Honestly, check the page out, but if you can't afford the things, DON'T! SPend your money on psych appts, or dog food or petrol or whatever. But if you DO have some cash to spare, think about throwing it my way? I want to spend more time writing, but that means I need to be able to justify doing it instead of working.
> 
> Anyway, as usual, if you like my stuff consider subscribing to my profile, leaving a comment or just sending the link to a friend. Means a lot to me.


End file.
